- COMPUTER JOKES
Excepted from The Official Computer Freaks Joke Book
by Larry Wilde and Steve Wozniak

HIGH-TECH HIGH JINKS

Why is Eve considered the first computer operator?
She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.

Did you hear about the programmer whose doctor told him he needed more
exercise, so he started to roll his own joints?

What kind of cookies do computers like?
Chocolate chip.

A software salesman was cooling his heels in the outer office of the
president of a major computer company. Just as he was about to be
granted an audience, an old Gypsy woman was ushered in ahead of him.
"What's she doing here?" complained the salesman.
"Oh," replied the secretary, "Mr. Craig only brings her in for the
really important decisions."

What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car
salesman?
The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.

The office manager called IBM and said, "You've got to come in and fix
our computer."
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the service technician.
"Someone dropped a rubber band into it and it's been making snap
decisions all morning."

A computer is an electronic device that will never replace office workers
until it learns how to spread gossip and laugh at the boss's jokes.

How many computer technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to tell him he's doing it wrong.

Have you heard about the new computer from Mexico?
You get salsa with your chips.

What did the Indians use to make their computers?
Buffalo chips.

A computer is an invention that will never be the equal of a man until it
can put the blame for its mistakes on some other computer.

Cheer for High-Tech High:
Hip hip hooray, for the ultra-violet and photo-gray.

King Abdul Omar Al Hassani, the wealthiest oil potentate in the world,
decided to take his eight-year-old son to Disney World in Florida.
The King and the young prince left the Middle East, and when they
arrived in Tampa, the boy said, "Father, this was a wonderful flight.
I really like this airplane."
So the king bought the huge jet right on the spot for the little
boy. He had United paint over their logo and prepare it for the
flight home.
As they drove toward Disney World, the youngster spotted some men
playing golf. "Oh, Father," said the boy, "that is something I would
really like to do." King Hassani picked up the limousine phone and
immediately purchased the entire golf club for his darling son.
They finally arrived at Disney World and the eight-year-old was
ecstatic. As they walked around, the boy said, "Oh, Father, please!
I want a Mickey Mouse outfit!"
So the king bought him IBM.

Teacher to pupil: "This homework is a disgrace. I'd like to see a note
from your computer.

What's a computer's favorite munchie?
Chips and dip.

SILICON SERENADE

"Somewhere over the RAMbow"

What do they use in computers in Idaho?
Potato chips.

A computer is a machine that can solve all kinds of numerical problems,
except how to adjust the date of a woman's birth to her present age.

Want to have some fun? Send your record club a subscription from the
book club and send the book club a subscription from your record
club. Then see if the two computers can work out the billing.

Which is faster, a computer or a human being?
Wait -- let me think about that one.

What do you get if you cross a computer with a TV newscaster?
A Hairy Reasoner.

Did you know the Cray Two is so fast it can do an infinite loop in
two and a half seconds?

SIGN ON A MAINFRAME:

Beware of computer - it bytes.

Which way did the programmer go?
He went data way.

Why did the robot eat quarters at noon?
It was his lunch money.

Have you heard the new computer song?
It's called "My Heart Belongs to Data."

Did you hear about the new Chinese computer?
An hour later you have to program it again.

Did you hear about the updated version of the three R's?
Readin', 'ritin', and replacin' batteries in the calculator.

Why was the computer salesman the most popular man at the disco?
He had a big Wang.

What do you get if you're not good to your Apple?
A crab Apple.

"What's the big deal about computers?"
"A computer is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake every time you repeat it."

A computer is a machine that will never replace men entirely until it
learns how to strike for shorter hours.

BUMPER STICKER

Old Programmers Never Die...
They Just Lose Their Memories.

Abigail was having a hard time operating her desktop computer. It was
apparent she had reached the end of her patience when she muttered
at the screen, "I know one thing. If I had a glass face like yours,
I'd sure behave better."

"I got a terrific deal on our new computer monitor," Harold explained
to his wife. "The salesman said I'd get used to the red screen and
purple characters in no time at all."

Did you hear about the new computer that's so human that on Monday
mornings it comes in late?

There's another in California that's so human that when it goes down,
they give it wine coolers and vitamin C.

A computer is a machine that works faster than people because it never
stops to answer the telephone.

Manager to old woman in a computerized department:
"But Miss Krumm, you can't retire. You're the only one who knows how
to spell!"

Did you hear about the computer that drinks?
They're calling it Uniswacked!

COMPUTER PROGRAMMING PRINCIPLES

1. The computer never makes mistakes.
2. If the computer makes a mistake, see rule number 1.

Why do computers like human beings?
Why do you think? Human beings turn them on!

Larsen stormed into the office with a worried look on his face. "The
computer's broken down!" he exclaimed. "Does anybody remember how
to think?"

A bank robber decided to knock over a fully computerized bank. He pushed
a note into the automatic teller machine that read: "Put the money in
the bag, sucker, or I'll blow your circuits out!"
The machine shoved back this message: "Straighten your tie,
sucker. I'm taking your picture."

"It's qute simple, really," said the chiropractor to his patient. "You've
been sitting in front of the computer so long, you've developed a
floppy disk."

A computer Nerd is a guy who knows 147 technically possible ways to have
sex but doesn't know any women.

What do you call the fastest computer in the world?
A presto digitator.

Before Gordon Cooper ascended in his memorable flight into space, he was
approached by a reporter and asked, "How do you feel?"
"Terrible," replied the astronaut. "I'm worried."
"But look what you're doing for your country, your family, posterity.
What've you got to be worried about?"
Said Cooper, "There are one thousand gadgets in this computer, and
each one has been made by the lowest bidder."

Should you be afraid of a computerized dog?
No. It's bark is worse than it's byte.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a Doberman?
A computer that pees on fire hydrants.

What happens if you punch your computer?
It goes down for the count.

Why did the computer go to the shoe store?
To get rebooted.

A computer is a machine that can figure out all kinds of problems except
the things in this world that just don't add up.

What do programmers have in common with spies?
They both write in code.

What's black and white and red all over?
A computer printout from Russia.

The new computer was attempting to translate from English into Russian.
It was doing fine until the operator typed in "Out of Sight, Out of
Mind."
The Russian translation: "Invisible Insanity."

The Russians have developed a microcomputer that they brag is the
biggest micorcomputer in the world.

Why did the computer go to the grocery store?
To buy some cheese for its mouse.

What do you get when you cross an Ocelot with an alligator?
An oscillator.

DATA BASE DATING

The dating computer was very active that day. A tall, handsome six-footer
stood in front of it. "I'm a millionaire," he bragged. "I have twenty
oil wells, a gold mine, and I run five banks." So the computer mugged
him.

They tried an experiment at the university. All dates to the dance were
arranged by a computer. after a tough evening, one student remarked
to another, "What a frightening experience to find out just what you
deserve."

Archie came back from the computer dating office. He told his roommate,
"I asked for someone on the small side who's into water sports,
formal dress, and doesn't talk too much."
"So what happened?"
"They fixed me up with a penguin."

Man with woman at a marriage counslers office:
"We'd like to get married, but her system is not IBM compatible."

In a local Health, Education and Welfare office, a stack of punch cards
was placed into a computerized sorting machine. The computer was then
set to divide the cards according to sex. The result was five stacks
of cards.

Gloria was lamenting her relationships with men who were in the computer
business. "They all seem intelligent and stimulating," she said, "but
none of them can make love."
First there was the salesman who always promised but could never
deliver. "But," he said, "you'll love it when you get it."
Next was the service technician who always said, "I know it looks
bleak now, but don't worry, it'll be up tomorrow."
Finally, she dated a software engineer who created a detailed
flowchart of the lovemaking process and them announced, "Frankly,
I think you should just implement this yourself."

A computer takes the guesswork out of it....but so does a bikini.

A loser is a gut whose computer dating service sends him the number of
dial-a-prayer.

How do computers meet each other?
Through computer dating services.

Did you hear about the two computers that couldn't get together because
of religious differences?
She's AC and he's DC.

What do you call a girl who'd rather be with her computer than her
boyfriend?
An infomaniac.

Dexter sat down in the psychiatrist's office. "Now then," said the
shrink, "what is it that brings you here?"
"Doctor, you've got to help me. I've fallen in love with my
computer. I realize, though, that I can't marry her."
"Well, I'm glad that you haven't lost your sense of reality."
"Oh, it could never work out," said Dexter, "She wants a career."

There are many computer dating services these days. What's their purpose?
Friendchip and courtchip.

The office was closed. Employees had all left for the day. The building
was deserted. On the tenth floor, a male computer whispered to a
female computer, "Wow! Nice set of bits!"

What's the difference between an engineer and a mathematician?
One of each was posted at one end of a one-hundred-foot hallway.
At the other end was a great looking Sports Illustrated swimsuit
model.
Rules: First one to reach the girl could have a date with her.
The only restriction was that they were to advance in increments
equal to half the remaining distance.
The mathematician turned and walked away because he knew he
couldn't reach her.
The engineer started forward immediately because he knew he could
get close enough for all practical purposes.

How do computers spend Saturday nights?
They go out on datas, of course.

Doreen, a computer programmer with a new boyfriend, was looking for ways
to tell other suitors she was no longer available. "It's easy," said
a coworker. "Just say that your mode is single but your field option
is taken."

JUST A MATTER OF TIME

An electronic brain sitting in a cocktail lounge, telling a well-
stacked computer: "Nobody understands me."

SILICON SILLIES

Why was William Tell's son electrocuted?
He forgot to unplug the Apple before his father shot it off of his
head!

How many computer technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one if he can get a program written for it.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a parrot?
A computer that breaks down because its circuits are full of cracker
crumbs.

DATA PROCESSOR'S LICENSE PLATE

ICALQL8

Did you hear about the new female computer?
You don't have to ask it anything. It tells you anyhow.

The mathematical wizards crowded before the great computer at the
Techinical Institute. "It's a mistake!" exclaimed one scientist. "No
question of it. The computer made a mistake!"
The assembled geniuses passed the readout tapes around,
calculating, frowning, scrutinizing.
After a full hour of bafflement, the laboratory chief exclaimed,
"Gentlemen, don't be discouraged. Do you realize it would take 6,300
mathematicians, working 14 hours a day, over 346 years to make a
mistake like this?"

What do you get when you cross a computer with an alligator?
Either snappy answers ro a computer with a byte.

Why was Isaac Newton knocked unconcious?
An Apple fell on his head.

Children are learning to use computers younger and younger. One company
has a new model for babies: Strained Apple.

Do computers have good table manners?
Yes. They take very small bytes.

What do you get when you cross a computer with an onion?
Either a computer with a bad overflow problem, or answers that bring
tears to your eyes.

Why was the computer cranky?
It was out of sorts.

How do computers choose their meals?
From menus, naturally!

There's a computer repair school in San Francisco where the tuition is
pretty steep. It costs you about three thousand dollars to learn to
repair a system, so when you graduate, you have to repair at least
three computers before you break even.

What do you call an aging programmer?
An old softie.

Why couldn't the computer find the information it was looking for?
It had a sloppy disk.

How many computers does it take to stop an oncoming semi?
As many as possible.

There was a computer whose curse
Was to give every statemnet in verse.
While some were just lewd,
And others quite rude,
The login message was worse.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a rabbit?
A computer that jumps to conclusions.

Why did the computer come down from the chair?
A cat ate its mouse.

KEYBOARD PRAYER

Our Program who art in memory,
Hello be thy name. Thy Operating
System come, thy Commands be done,
at the Printer as it is on the screen.
Give us this day our daily data, and
forgive us our I/O Errors as we forgive
those whose Logic Circuits are faulty.
Lead us not into frustration, and
deliver us from Power Surges. For Thine
is the Algorithm, the Application, and
the Solution, looping forever and ever.
Return.

BROADWAY SHOW TITLE

On a Clear Disk, You Can Seek Forever.

Did you hear about the bank computer that went down so often they
nicknamed it the Titanic?

ADAM'S APPLE

First speech synthesizer.

Where do robots keep their valuables?
In data banks.

Why couldn't the robot go for a swim?
He went a few months ago and now he's a little rusty.

Crandall walked into a computer store and asked the salesman, "Do you
have a good used monitor for sale?"
"Yes, Sir," said the salesman. "Here's a screen that's hardly
been used. It belonged to a little old lady with weak eyes.

Did you hear about the fully automated bank in Detroit?
A fellow sent it a card saying "This is a holdup," and the computer
mailed the guy $200,00 in unmarked bills.

I saved money on my PC by buying it on a "Blue Light Special." Now I
realize PC stands for piece of crap.

My new computer brochure says it's "user friendly." If you believe that,
you believe Qaddafi is the Welcome Wagon.

I bought a computer to help me manage my money and household finances.
It's so reassuring to input my info once a month and have the
computer tell me, "You are still broke."

Miss Kozinski, the secretary of a Michigan co pany, was given a word
processor. The Polish girl couldn't use it after a week. The screen
was cover with white-out.

What is a Polish word processor?
Two Hungarians with crayons and a Czech who knows how to spell.

What do you get when you cross an orchestra leader with a midget?
A semiconductor.

What does IBM stand for?
It's Better Manually.

"We're getting closer," said the guy from Research and Development. "This
computer writes like Picasso and paints like Shakespeare."

MODULAR MARRIEDS

Healey went to a doctor and explained that his wife was constantly
nagging him about his vanishing potency. The doctor performed
surgery, providing Healey with a computerized penile implant. A month
later, Healey returned.
"The implant is terrific," he said. "I've been doing it six,
seven times a night."
"Wonderful," replied the physician. "What does your wife say
about your lovemaking now?"
"I don't know!" said Healey. "I haven't been home yet."

Melissa was thrilled when she landed her first computer programming
position. Her husband, Skip, although he knew nothing about the
field, welcomed her at the door after the first day, inquiring, "What
did you do at work today?"
He listened intently as she explained in great detail about her
eight hours of COBOL, binary code, and JCL errors.
When she arrived home the next evening, Skip was once again at
the front door. "So," he greeted her, "what did you have for lunch
today?"

The newlyweds were undressing together for the first time in their hotel
bedroom. The groom saw the bride looking at him appraisingly and,
with an attempt at manly pride, puffed out his chest and beat on it
saying, "A hundred and ninety pounds of solid mainframe."
"Yeah," said the bride, "with a little floppy disk!"

Marlene was trying to get her husband to buy a computer but he didn't
like the idea.
"What?" he roared. "Me buy a computer? Do you think computers
grow on trees?"
"Don't be silly," she said. "Everyone knows they come from
plants."

Why did the married computers get a divorce?
They kept getting Type Mismatch messages on their screens.

Woman with a child talking to another woman with a child.
"My Michael is bilingual. He also speaks Computerese."

USER-FRIENDLY FUNNIES

Barton, a New York bachelor iving on West 79th Street, took his computer
to a place on York Avenue tha tadvertised twenty-four-hour service.
"When should I pick it up?" he asked.
"Next Thursday," said the man.
"A week from today?" snapped Barton. "I thought you said you had
twenty-four-hour service."
"We do," said the repairman. "We work eight hours Monday, Eight
hours Tuesday, and eight hours Wednesday."

Why won't computers ever replace newspapers?
Have you ever tried to swat a fly with a computer?

What do you call a monastic that works on integrated circuits?
A chipmonk.

What do you call a robot ape?
A chipanzee.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a blender?
A mixed solution.

What kind of PC does a woman carry in her purse?
A Compacqt.

What do you get when you cross an IBM with a comedian?
Buddy Hacker.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees.
That would set them back some.

A word processor is a typewriter without bread crumbs.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a midget?
A short circuit.

Businessman with a new computer talking to his secretary:
"It does data processing, word processing, and list processing. Get
me some dates, some words, and some lists."

How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.

What back problems do computers have?
Slipped disks.

What's a computer's most common dental problem?
Overbyte.

Where did the Bionic Man go to college?
Solid State.

Trying to sell his newest computer to Barrett, a young businessman, the
salesman invited his skeptical client to ask it a question. The
executive sat down and typed out his query: "Where is my father?"
The machine rapidly printed the reply: "Your father is fishing in
Michigan."
"This contraption doesn't knw what it's talking about," bellowed
Barrett. "My father's been dead for twenty years."
Certain that his creation was infallible, the saleman suggested,
"Why don't you try the same question in a different form?"
Barrett typed: "Where is my mother's husband?"
The computer answered: "Your mother's husband has been dead for
twenty years. Your father just landed a three-pound trout."

What's a sure sign of old age in a computer?
Loss of memory.

How does a computer die?
It comes down with a terminal illness.

Old Mrs. Vanderhof walked into the credit department at American Express
and demanded, "I don't care to bandy words with underlings about my
overdue account. Take me to your computer."

A new senior citizen software package:
It reminds you what you had for breakfast, tells you what year it is,
tells you how many grandchildren you have, lists each one's name and
current address, and shows you whether or not you have a pulse.

What's a computer's favorite song?
Thanks for the Memory.

COMPUTER MOVIE

Love at First Byte.

Why did they fire the computer that worked at the sanitary department?
Garbage in, garbage out.

What did the computer say about its illness when it got better?
"Boy, that really knocked me for a loop."

Did you hear about the agnostic hacker?
He hocked everything he owned to builds his home computer into
the world's most powerful machine. Then he plugged it into every data
bank, let it invade every library, and had it read every book.
Finally he typed in the question:
"Computer, is there a god?"
The computer flashed, the screen flickered, and finally finally
the machine responded: "There is now!"

God was speaking to Moses.
"I'm going to give you the Ten Commandments on two tablets," said
the Almighty.
"Thank you," said Moses.
"I would have given them to you on software, but I didn't know
whether you had an Apple or an IBM!"

BUMPER STICKER

Computer Operators Do It With Hard Drives

A computer had just been installed in a company and the boss was a
nervous wreck worrying about it. One afternoon he approached a
secretary sitting in formt of the monitor doing her nails.
"Why isn't that computer working?" he snapped.
The woman replied, "The little person inside is taking a coffee
break."

ODE TO THE COMPUTER

We shall have to design
Computers galore
Since each problem they solve
Creates ten million more.

The Dugans were having dinner.
"Remember the salesman who said I could learn to use the computer
in two weeks?" asked the husband.
"Yes, Dear," said the wife.
"He got the bill wrong, too."

How many computer salesmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I'll get back to you.

Walsh and Reese, two computer salesmen, were sipping morning coffee.
"What's the latest dope on PCs?" asked Walsh.
"My son," replied Reese.

When is a computer most ungrateful?
When it byte the hand that feeds it.

CORPORATE CACKLES

CONSULTANT

Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.

A fellow had trouble with his head. A team of brain surgeons agreed to
remove his brain, examine it, then put it back later. They performed
the operation, but when they came to put his brain back, he wasn't
there. The man had disappeared. A month later he returned to the
happy doctors.
"Where have you been since we removed your brain?"
"I became a consultant at Hewlett-Packard."

Feldman, the sales manager, stood before an assembled group in a
corporate conference room. They were there to observe a demonstration
of his company's state-of-the-art computer.
The rep's screen blurred and rolled. His attempt at a tele-
communication link failed. Feldman phoned his company for help, but
his liason was gone for the day. That's when he faced the group and
said, "this concludes my demonstration of our competitor's product.
Next week I'll come back and show you ours."

LAMENT OF A SPEED FREAK

A trillionth of a second here, a trillionith of a second there. These
damned delays will kill you.

What's the difference between computers and the Titanic?
The Titanic had entertainment.

Have you noticed that there have been fewer office parties this year? Who
wants to kiss a computer?

PERIPHERAL PERSIFLAGE

How do you make a computer laugh?
Tell it a programmer joke.

What sould you do with a computer that's a year old?
Wish it happy birthday.

What does the computer wipe its feet on?
Its format.

Where are computer soldiers stationed?
In a Fortran.

An Apple a day may keep the doctor away, but not the IRS.

"You guys in microprocessor manufacturing must be making a fortune!"
"Don't be nuts! The only people making money these days are the ones
selling computer paper!"

The average hacker is thirty-six around the chest, forty around the
waist, ninety-eight around the golf course, and a nuisance around the
house.

Many Pharmaceutical firms supply drugstores with order forms listing
products and their costs. When one company neglected to do this
despite repeated requests, an employee attached this note to an
order: "Your computer and I have been having communication problems.
If you no longer sullpy order forms, please let us know...that is, if
you still employ real people."
With the next delivery there was this note: "Enclosed please find
six order forms. Please forgive the delay. Yes, we still employ
people. Therein lies the problem." Signed, "IBM 402."

Henderson, who was running for mayor, visited an office where they had
several computers set up to monitor the election returns. A woman
came up with the estimated results and said, "the computer says you
will win, but personally it would not vote for you."

Pierce walked into the house in a state of total exhaustion. "Darling,"
exclaimed his wife, "you look terrible. What's the matter?"
"It was a terrible day at the office, Dear," he replied. "The
computer broke down and we all had to think."

A computer is a machine that performs complex calculations in one ten-
thousandth of a second -- and mails out statements ten days late.

A Kansas City mother shouted at her son, "Why is your floppy disk on the
davenport?"
The boy replied, "What's a davenport?"

What do you call a transsexual nun?
A transsister.

MENU MOTTO

The program that never failed on your last computer will never run on
your current computer.

What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?
A five-ton know-it-all.

*** This file courtesy of Barton's Trader BBS, Ann Arbor ***